Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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