no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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