Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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