I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
