my mouth tastes like poor choices
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
