My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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