So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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