The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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