Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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