Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Small penises have feelings too.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
