you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So squirting runs in the family.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
