Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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