today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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