My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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