Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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