Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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