i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
