I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
