I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
