I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
