my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Nobody cheats on THIS.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
