During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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