It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
