Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize