I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
