i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He told me they were just razor bumps!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
