shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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