My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
