I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
