Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
