they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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