Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
