Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
