Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
