Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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