i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
