she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
In America we eat man semen.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize