Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
