I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize