I love black thongs
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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