Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
