well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
