There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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