last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
