Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
