I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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