Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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