Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
