Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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