So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
