You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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