Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
