Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
