How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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