my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
