I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
