1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
