Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
