he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize