What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
