My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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