You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
