I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
