Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
