why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
