just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
