i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize