I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
