He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
