Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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