you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
